Potty Talk

I was chastised today by a coworker for sending a text message while sitting on the toilet.

Sometimes there are important conversations that need to occur regardless of what is going on. And sometimes those conversations have to occur during private moments. More often than not, it's sheerly convenience that drives us to use our phones in the bathroom. She only knew I was in the restroom because I had announced it for her well being before I left the office moments earlier. Had I not told her, she never would have known it were a potty text.

I'm a little more understanding of those who are bothered by others who actually talk on the phone during their potty time. I, myself, am guilty of potty talk. It usually only occurs with my parents, as I would feel so absolutely horrified if I were to make some sort of bodily function noise while on the phone with a friend or even a stranger. Those conversations are often placed on mute by my end, and only unmuting when I absolutely must say something to continue the conversation. I know one day I'm going to fail to mute at an appropriate time and my strained grunts will be heard throughout the land, but that day has yet to come.

What's worse is when people potty talk in public restrooms. Not only are you talking on your cell phone in a public place where everyone else can hear your conversation, you are doing so while making the most abhorrent, rude, disturbing sounds in the process. And though some people may also utilize my mute-and-poop technique, I would say that for the most part, people just let 'er rip and couldn't give two... well, you know... about what their friend/loved one hears. It is not easy to hide the sound of straining in your voice. So even if you aren't an open potty talker, people know.

Oh, they know.

While using the restroom in a local bar the other day, I stepped into the only stall of a busy bathroom. We were on a break from the trivia game being played by the bar, so everyone had chosen that moment to urinate. As I'm unzipping my pants, I hear, "You look good, man." I whip around to see if anyone was in the stall with me, but I realize that the sound had come from outside the stall. Two men (cowboys, to be specific,) were standing at the side-by-side urinals, having a conversation that started that way. Apparently one of them had just been shot down by a younger woman (younger being apparently in her very early 20s, as these guys were mid- to late-20s themselves,) and it had hurt his pride. Nonetheless, it was quite an awkward-straight-man conversation to have in the middle of a crowded bar bathroom while peeing beside each other. There is an unspoken etiquette of the bathroom that they had obviously not heard.

1. Always leave a urinal between you and the person next to you. If this cannot be done, wait until a urinal opens up.
2. No talking.

Maybe these are just my rules. I usually use the stall anyway. So I can potty talk.