Behind the Back

Don't you just hate the feeling of knowing that the person you were just talking about may have heard everything you just said? The uncomfortable, twisting knot that sends your stomach spiraling downward. The nagging worry of wondering what they may have heard while standing there. The apathy of said person hearing your thoughts and the confidence you had moments before dissolved away, leaving you feeling merely inches tall. I do.

Let's face it: we all talk. If for nothing other than amusement or to pass the time, we make the lives of those around us and the way that others affect our own into our business. We complain about the things people do that bother us because it vindicates us. We vent to other because we feel safe and secure that they would never tell someone else about the private confidences we just shared. And then, occasionally and very suddenly, that one person you were just talking about walks into the room, seemingly out of thin air. It happens much more often than one could even imagine, and it happened to me today.

It wasn't anything out of the ordinary: sharing a story with Coworker A (which is how she has chosen to be referred) about another person and their ineptitudes. Name calling, laughter. And then, out of nowhere, the main character of my story appears and asks to use the phone. This person doesn't even work in a 10 minute walking distance of my office, yet here we are. Stomach-dropping, fear-inducing, stammering, stuttering, blinking. Questions fly a mile a minute: What did I just say? What could he/she have heard? Where the hell did he/she come from? Most are never answered. Just replaced with a moderate level of discomfort and a hope that the truly vicious things fell on deaf ears.

You'd think I'd learn my lesson. That obviously at any moment, the Pope could arrive and hear my bashing of the Catholic faith.  But I just keep spewing my venom-filled words and quips behind their backs because it takes too much effort to actually confront someone about what they do that bothers me so much, and when, in fact, I shouldn't have to because I thought we were all adults now and should be able to function in a mature, consistent manner.

I'm sure people say things behind my back. In fact, I know they do, because people tell me those things. I don't mind. I'm very secure in who I am and what I do, and I know that I do my best every day. And I would hope that people have enough respect, even if they say it behind my back 15 times, to say it to my face at least once in an appropriate and professional manner. For the record, the story I told was a subject I had previously broached with that person. I am nothing if not a man of my word.

You just may not hear all of them.